Thanks to water, I might win the office superlative for “most obnoxious.” I lug my half-gallon water jug around with me, swinging it around like a tiny little purse. I even have a 14-inch metal straw to complement its portly silhouette. If you’re my coworker, you have probably seen this toddler-size water cooler clutched in my hand before you see me. It really has that large of a presence.
Sure, there are side effects to drinking this much water. But I’m incredibly hydrated after drinking about 1.5 to 2 gallons of water during an eight hour time period thanks to this huge, $15 dollar water-holding contraption that I bought off of Amazon Prime. It is Big Gulp-gone-Goop goodness.
We all know the facts about the importance of water consumption so I’m not going to repeat them. All you need to know is that if you aren’t hydrated, your body will become a desert and blow away like sand in the wind. Google the before and after photos of people who switch from drinking minimal water to a gallon of water—the results are wild. I feel like a pink cherub from a Michelangelo painting. I feel hot like Naomi Cambell’s runway walk.
Plus, I’m no longer buying those pathetic disposable plastic water bottles only to throw them away at the end of the day. (No longer killing the environment or pleasing the capitalist overlords.) I’m not the loser filling up 10 mugs or pint-size paper cups that congregate into a minyan at my keyboard. (That’s both cumbersome and crowded!) Small water containers of any kind are a hindrance to hydration: a person cannot be lubricated by the miracle that we know as water when they’re always getting up to fill a water bottle or a cup.
The supersize water jug is life-changing. I keep one at my desk, and I’m sipping through its straw as I type this. I take a hearty gulp and I can feel the water wake me up. I’m not as hungry as I usually am. I haven’t had the weird, unhealthy bulk-ordered office snacks. My lips are pillowy and soft, like teenage Angelina Jolie circa Hackers. Sure, I’ve become an H2O-glugging freak. But I’m an H2O-glugging freak with really clear skin.